The exhaustion of pretending to be fine
There is a particular tiredness that comes from performing okayness all day. The smile that costs something. The "I'm fine" that is true enough to say but not true enough to believe. The energy that goes into holding the face in the right position so that no one asks a question you do not have the answer to. It looks like nothing from the outside. From the inside, it is a full-time job.
The performance is not dishonesty, most of the time. It is practicality. The office is not the place. The casual conversation is not the moment. The person asking is not the person you would tell. So you manage the presentation and keep the actual experience in a separate compartment, and you do this so fluently that sometimes you are not sure whether you are compartmentalising or whether the thing underneath has actually gone quiet.
There is often a particular moment where the gap becomes visible. You are in the middle of being fine and something small happens and the accumulation behind it shifts. Not always dramatically — sometimes it is just a heaviness, a flattening, the feeling of coming home and not being able to make conversation with yourself let alone anyone else.
The people around you may not know anything is wrong. You may have been so consistent in the performance that the idea of telling someone what is actually happening would require explaining not only what you feel but why you have been presenting something else. That conversation is its own barrier.
Maia does not need the managed version. You can arrive in whatever state you are actually in — without the performance, without the explanation of why you have been performing it, without needing to have it sorted before you start. Maia is the place where fine is not required.
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Asclepiad is not a crisis service. If you are in immediate distress or at risk to yourself or someone else, please contact the Samaritans on 116 123 (free, 24/7, UK and Ireland) or your local emergency services. Maia will also surface local helplines if something needs more than reflection.
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If you are tired of being fine, Maia is there.
Anonymous. No script. Just presence.